How I Stumbled Into This British Time Warp (And Actually Loved It)
Let me set the scene: It’s 2 AM in Brooklyn, I’m doomscrolling for UK staycation ideas, and The Belfry’s website pops up like a posh British aunt whispering “Darling, haven’t you suffered enough?” Four Espresso Martinis deep, I booked their “Golf, Spa, and Scones” package – despite:
- Never playing golf
- Thinking spas are where rich people store their guilt
- Literally Googling “what’s a scone?”
First Impressions:
- Website smoother than a Bond villain’s handshake
- Confirmation email arrived slower than a London bus (3 hours later)
- Surprise £10 “Tourist Tax” felt like a Brexit parting gift
Living My Best Jane Austen Meets WiFi Hell Life
Daily Reality Check:
- 7:00 AM: Woken by pheasants arguing outside my window (nature’s Uber Eats reminder)
- 9:00 AM: Discovered golf carts have more tech than my NYC apartment
- 2:00 PM: Became emotionally attached to a steak & ale pie
- 11:00 PM: Learned British Netflix doesn’t have The Office (emergency VPN activation)
Oh Sh*t Moments That Mattered:
- The hidden gin library behind a fake bookshelf (because nothing says class like day-drinking in Narnia)
- Rainstorm of the century transformed golf into impromptu mud wrestling
- Housekeeping folding my Chargers hoodie into a swan – still don’t know how to feel
The Good, The Bad, and The Quirky
PROS ✅ Staff Who Read Minds:
- Concierge handed me Advil before I realized I had a gin headache
- Golf pro smelled my fear and suggested the driving range (saved me £50 in broken windows)
✅ Breakfast Buffet Worth Getting Jetlagged For:
- Black pudding = meat granola (fight me)
- Realized beans at breakfast isn’t a crime against humanity
✅ Secret Napping Economy:
- 37 different types of lounge chairs identified
- Fireplace couches that hug better than my therapist
✅ American-Friendly Surprises:
- Outlets that don’t require an engineering degree
- Ice machines! (Take notes, Europe)
CONS ⚠️ The Great WiFi Conspiracy:
- Signal died if you faced magnetic North
- Pro Tip: Charm the bartender for the staff hotspot password
⚠️ Shower Physics 101:
- Adjusting water temperature required a PhD
- Mysterious third knob that I’m 80% sure was a panic button
⚠️ Pillowgate 2024:
- Five pillows, all fluffier than a Tory scandal
- Had to ‘build’ my own support system like a sad mattress architect
Real Talk: Who Should Brave the Britishness?
Perfect For:
- Golf Widows/ers: Spa credit buys hours of sweet freedom
- Corporate Retreats: Enough whiskey to make team-building bearable
- Americans Cosplaying Royalty: Perfect for your “I summer in the Cotswolds” lie
Skip If:
- You think AC is a basic human right
- Need 24/7 tacos (their Mexican restaurant is…British)
Hacks Your Future Self Will Thank You For:
- Book through Booking.com for free breakfast (their direct site charges extra – cheeky!)
- Thursday nights = half-price cocktails at The Brabazon Bar
- Secret shortcut from Hole 18 to the spa (follow the ducks)
The Final Verdict: Marmite, But Make It Luxury
After 5 days of pretending to understand cricket, here’s the tea:
Value Rating: 4/5
- Paid £300/night but got £200 in free gin – math checks out
Would I Return?
- If they swap the golf clubs for a Netflix remote
- Needs more bacon, less Brexit
TL;DR: The Belfry is like your posh college friend – slightly awkward but endearing. Bring walking shoes, an open mind, and emergency snack reserves.
Final Thought: Never did learn golf, but mastered the art of clotted cream application. Growth.
What Our Clients Say
- Nice hotel food and facilities Nice hotel food and facilitie… ★5
- Birthday Treat I thoroughly enjoyed the fire and Ice experi… ★5
- Wonderful Spa WeekendBought a spa weekend for my daughter’s … ★5
- Today my friends and I had the most…Today my friends and I h… ★5
- Perfect day with friendsArrived this morning with 2 friends … ★5
References
[1] Read Customer Service Reviews of thebelfry.com - Trustpilot
[2] Read Customer Service Reviews of thebelfry.com - Trustpilot
[3] Read Customer Service Reviews of thebelfry.com - Trustpilot
[4] thebelfry.com Reviews | check if site is scam or legit| Scamadviser
[5] The Belfry reviews, experiences, and ratings February 2024
[6] The Belfry Hotel & Resort Company Overview, Contact Details …
[7] Signature King Room – Accommodation | The Belfry Hotel & Resort
[8] The Belfry Suite | The Belfry Hotel & Resort
[9] Frequently Asked Questions | The Belfry Hotel & Resort
[10] Cancellation Policy | The Belfry Hotel and Resort Delphi Direct
[11] The Belfry Review | Thebelfry.com Ratings & Customer Reviews – …